viernes, diciembre 11, 2009

CAMPEONATO MUNDIAL ARGENTINA 2014

El siempre atento e indiscreto oído de este blog ha detectado un movimiento político-deportivo sin precedentes en la historia del mundo. Por lo que escuchamos y pudimos averiguar, hay firmes tratativas en diferentes organismos de toda índole para que la organización del Campeonato Mundial de Fútbol del año 2014 le sea quitada a Brasil y se le otorgue a la República Argentina.
Al percibir este sorpresivo rumor, cronistas de DESDE EL TABLÓN se infiltraron en organismos gubernamentales y hasta en la mismísima AFA, y con el mayor de los sigilos fueron sobornando gente para poder obtener, primero, la confirmación y, segundo, la exclusividad de la noticia. Así es que llegamos hasta un personaje de alto rango político de nuestro país quien nos pidió reservar su nombre pero con una voz suave y un poco aflautada, mirando medio de reojo, afirmó las presunciones de esta manera: “Compañerossshhs, ahora que el fútbol essshh para todossshhs, nossh comunicamosshhhs con el Ssshheñor Joseph Blatter y le ofrecimoshhhhhs el doble de lo que les da Brashhhsil para que nossshs otorguen la organización del Mundial 2014. Para continuar, los dejo con mi massshhh cercano asesshhsshor quién lessshh dará algunosshh detallesshhss porque ssho tengo que viajar al ssshhsur”. Dicho esto, hizo su irrupción en el despacho presiden…en el despacho, un hombre de espeso bigote quien, con voz gruesa y tono imperativo, emitió las siguientes palabras: “antes que pregunten paparruchadas les comento que el rumor de que Argentina va a organizar el Mundial 2014 es tan cierto como que Antonini Wilson estuvo acá…perdón en Casa Rosada. Ya hablamos con los todos los máximos dirigentes del país, de AFA y de FIFA (que no son más de tres) y acordamos los puntos más importantes. Va a ser un Campeonato nuevo, inédito, nunca visto y fundamentalmente popular, porque el fútbol es para todos. Para ello le pagaremos al máximo organismo el doble de lo que le dan esos pavotes de Brasil, aporte que solventaremos con los fondos que sobran de ANSES.
Les cuento que ya se creó el “Máximo” Comité Organizador, que estará a cargo de unos muchachos muy voluntariosos, que no le escapan al trabajo y que pertenecen a “La Cámpora”. Pero como no tengo tiempo de atender a pastenacas como ustedes, mejor les dejo la carpeta con el proyecto para que lo lean. Cuando terminen, me la dejan arriba del escritorio porque yo ahora me voy a ver a quien puedo seguir maltratando.”

Así es que, luego de ojear y microfilmar la carpeta en cuestión, en exclusiva para todos los lectores les dejamos los puntos más importantes que tendrá el próximo Campeonato Mundial de Fútbol Argentina 2014:
LOS ESTADIOS: Serán seis las canchas que alberguen los partidos, dispersas por todo el país y reacondicionadas con la mejor infraestructura de plaza. Estas remodelaciones, que serán solventadas con los fondos de ANSES, alcanzarán a:
-La cancha de River Plate: donde se hará la inauguración y el partido final, porque el fútbol está en todas partes, pero atiende en Buenos Aires.
-La cancha de Gimnasia y Esgrima de Jujuy a la que se le hará un techo especial para evitar los rayos UV que suelen azotar a esa zona del país. La remodelación estará a cargo de una empresa constructora muy famosa de la zona, liderada por Milagro Salas y el estadio pasará a llamarse Tupac Amaru.
-Estadio Chateau Carrera (Córdoba): Se aprovechará la infraestructura existente y se le cambiarán los grifos y los azulejos, que están desde el Mundial ´78, a pedido de Diego Maradona. Eso si, al estadio se le cambiará ese nombre afrancesado y oligarca y se lo bautizará con el nombre de algún animal autóctono. Todavía se debate si será “Mona” Jiménez, “Potro” Rodrigo ó “Lora” Oliva.
-Estadio Municipal de Misiones (Nuevo): donde se aprovecharán las bellezas naturales de la región. Diseñado por Romina Picolotti, estará enclavado en la mismísima “Garganta del Diablo” en Cataratas del Iguazú. Su construcción tendrá un mínimo impacto ambiental, producto del traslado de las cataratas a Formosa por el tiempo que dure el campeonato y costará solo 18.000.000.000 de Euros sobrantes de ANSES. Una bicoca.
-Cancha de Deportivo Mc. Allister: Enclavado en el corazón de La Pampa, donde el viento azota y desertifica, estará emplazado en tierras ganadas a la soja y la ganadería. Recomendado por el Subsecretario del Nuevo Comité Organizador y su asistente, Sr. Carlos y Patricio McAllister, seguramente allí será cabeza de serie Australia para que el famoso “Colo” pueda jactarse de que él alguna vez jugó contra esos de amarillo.
-Estadio Municipal de Santa Cruz: al que se le construirán Palcos VIP, escaleras mecánicas en las tribunas, shopping debajo de éstas con las mejores marcas internacionales, Aeropuerto, Pileta Olímpica, Sala de masajes, un ala gastronómica con los más afamados restaurantes del mundo y si queda lugar se le anexarán los arcos. Está en estudio el cambio de nombre de Santa Cruz a Santa Cristina.
-Estadio Mundialista de Mendoza: No será de la partida porque tuvo un voto no positivo de parte del “Máximo” Comité Organizador.
CENTRO DE PRENSA: Enclavado en la Capital Federal, más precisamente donde funciona el Canal Siete, en el coqueto barrio de Palermo.
Dirigido por el periodista Marcelo Araujo secundado por Julio Ricardo (ó JR), allí, los periodistas acreditados podrán aprovechar los máximos adelantos tecnológicos en materia de comunicación, comprados en forma directa a Corea del Norte y pagados con los fondos sobrantes de ANSES.
También contarán con un ala de esparcimiento donde los cronistas de todas partes del mundo podrán conocer la hermosa realidad que vive Argnetina, gracias a los diferentes cortos realizados por los periodistas del programa “Seis, Siete, Ocho” y también podrán degustar alimentos típicos de nuestro país como las tortas fritas de Castells ó los fideos cocinados en olla popular y entretenerse con juegos recreativos como “Tiro al blanco” animado por el señor Luis D´Elía ó la ya popular Play Station Gauchesca, versión Made in Tierra del Fuego, que no paga impuestos a la tecnología.
LOS EQUIPOS PARTICIPANTES: se mantendrá el formato habitual de 32 equipos divididos en 8 zonas, de las cuales clasificarán los dos primeros, para enfrentarse a eliminación directa.
La popularización del campeonato, porque ahora el fútbol es para todos, estará dada en que por primera vez participarán algunos equipos que si no logran la clasificación en forma directa, serán invitados. Ya aseguraron su participación los seleccionados de Venezuela, Cuba, Bolivia e Irán y para demostrar la cordialidad de país organizador, ya han sido puestos a disposición ocho aviones charter (dos para cada país) para que sean utilizados en el traslado de sus propios hinchas, así los equipos no se sienten tan solos. Los vuelos serán provistos por Aerolíneas Argentinas y costeados con los fondos sobrantes de ANSES.
CEREMONIA DEL SORTEO: Caída la posibilidad de utilizar el Teatro Colón, debido a que no llegó a remodelarse por ineptitud del Gobierno de la ciudad de Buenos Aires, la ceremonia se realizará en el predio de la AFA, donde se firmó el histórico acuerdo de cesión de los derechos televisivos para trasmitir fútbol para todos.
Allí, luego de la duplicación de la capacidad que se hará gracias al desinteresado aporte de ANSES, Julio Márbiz conducirá el evento y lo abrirá con un "¡¡¡Aaaaaaquiiiiiii Argentinaaaaa!!!!, ¡¡¡capitalll del fútbolll!!!!" La figura femenina resta definirla entre una reconocida modelo que podría ser Valeria Maza ó alguien más ligada al fútbol como puede ser Flor de la V, que no tendría problemas en sacarse alguna prenda para formar un arco y jugar un picadito en medio de la ceremonia. También participarán de la misma: Julio Grondona, Diego Maradona, el/la presidente/a de la Nación y una serie de artistas representativos de Argentina, entre los que se destacan: “El Chaqueño” Palavecino, por cuyos estridentes gritos ya se han reforzado la gran cantidad de vidrios que rodean al salón; Nacha Guevara personificando a Evita; Ricardo Fort haciendo de estatua viviente y se espera contar con la participación de Marta Minujín exponiendo sus esculturas, quien actualmente se encuentra suspendida por doping.
Para el sorteo en sí, todavía no está definido quienes serán los encargados de extraer las bolillas de los copones ya que los primeros elegidos fueron dados de baja por el “Máximo” Comité organizador: a Abbondanzieri porque se le caían las pelotitas de las manos, Buonanotte porque con su altura no llegaba a los copones, Gorosito porque la gente sospecharía que escondería algo en sus rulos, Mathaüs mandó un mensajito avisando que no venía, Julio Cobos porque sufrirá un accidente, Carlos Bilardo y Checho Batista porque Maradona dijo que le robarían escena, Cristian Fabianni porque hay temor de que confunda las pelotas con bombones y se los coma y Luciana Salazar porque no distingue entre una bola fría y una caliente.
LA CANCIÓN DEL MUNDIAL: Será compuesta por Ignacio Copanni y cantada en diferentes versiones: original por el autor, estilo Chacarera por “Soledad”, estilo cumbia por Los Palmeras, y todos los demás estilos por Zulma Lobato (porque no sabemos bien que hace).
Se editará un disco alusivo, con fondos provenientes de ANSES, y se distribuirá gratis y para todos con los camiones alquilados al gremio de los choferes, quienes costearán los viajes con el sobrante de los fondos destinados al disco (provenientes de ANSES)
Aquí podemos adelantar un borrador de la canción (Himno ó Marcha suena medio militar y queda feo) que aun no está terminada y dice así:

Hoy el fútbol es para todos
y brillará en Argentina
Llega la Copa del Mundo
gracias a Néstor y Cristina.

Distribuyamos la riqueza
de los goles que vendrán
y gritémoslos bien fuerte
si no, los secuestrarán.

Porque el mundo es redondo
y en los campos no hay producción
transformémoslos en canchas
y apliquémosles la retención

La copa llega a la Argentina
Y no la atamo´ con alambre
Porque a pesar de tanto hambre
ella brilla, dorada como la ves.
Y como el fútbol es de todos
los gastos los cubre la ANSES
(Bis)
LA PELOTA: En todos los mundiales se estrena un balón y éste no puede ser la excepción. Con los fondos sobrantes de ANSES se ha creado un ente estatal a cargo del Ministerio del Interior que reemplazará a la famosa empresa alemana habitual proveedora de este producto. Esta nueva entidad será la encargada de fabricar la nueva pelota, demorando solo quince días para elaborarla y les será entregada en el domicilio de cada equipo participante.
Por supuesto contará con detalles que hacen a la idiosincrasia del país organizador. El esférico será confeccionado con tripa de chancho, similar a la que se utiliza para hacer los chorizos que habitualmente se consumen en las canchas argentinas. Será de color celeste y blanco, y no hace falta dar explicaciones del porqué ya que todos saben que esos son los colores…favoritos de los vestidos de la actual presidenta.
Lucirá además diversos colores que representarán diferentes tips por cuales se conoce a Argentina: el amarillo de la espiga del trigo, el lila de los vinos, el rojo de las carnes, el naranja de los frutales y el negro piquetero, formando círculos concéntricos e infinitos que representan la crisis económica.
El “Máximo” Comité organizador vetó el color verde soja ó verde militar.
LA CEREMONIA INAUGURAL: a realizarse en el Estadio de River Plate, será con entrada gratis repartidas por la ONG Hinchadas Unidas Argentinas.
Contará con la participación de los diversos ballets de todos los estilos que mostrarán la diversidad cultural que reina en nuestro país. El Ballet Salta representará las danzas típicas folclóricas, otro ballet hará danzas europeas tan comunes en los lugares del interior donde hubo colonia proveniente de ese continente y el ballet de Tinelli mostrará un poco de la carne argentina y terminará peleándose con todos y tirándose de las mechas.
Falta determinar si se podrá contar con un lugar para que esas chicas hagan lucha en el barro, ya que después habrá que jugar el primer partido que ya está estipulado que sea Argentina - Perú para el cual ya se designó al árbitro Codesal que prometió devolver el favor, se contrató un barco y se compró el trigo correspondiente, con fondos sobrantes de ANSES.
Pero antes del match, y después del baile, habrá un esquema gimnástico donde muchas personas vestidas de blanco ingresarán a la cancha y formarán la palabra “PAZ”, “LIBERTAD”, “NO NOS SECUESTREN LOS GOLES” y “EL FUTBOL ES GRATIS Y PARATODOS”. Agradecemos la colaboración de las Madres y Abuelas de Plaza de Mayo para la realización de dicha destreza.
Más tarde, para darle color al evento, ingresarán y desfilarán por la pista de atletismo distintas comparsas que bailarán al son de una batucada: “Marí-Marí” y “Papelito” de Gualeguaychú, la hinchada de Central y la de Boca con los parlantes, la de Gimnasia con las trompetas y la Barra de Los Trapos, aplaudiendo.
También se cantará la canción alusiva al torneo, se nombrará a las madrinas del mismo a Mirtha Legrand y Susana Giménez que para entretener a la afición disputarán un campeonato de penales, habrá un desfile de Gremios que se pelearán entre ellos para ver quien se sienta más cerca del palco donde estará la presidenta de la Nación, el presidente de FIFA y el de AFA, cosa que definirán jugando un picadito en la cancha principal y haciendo un asado con la madera de los arcos.
Y después, si llegan los nuevos arcos importados, el tiempo lo permite, la ANSES no quiebra y los muchachos de los gremios corren las carpas de la cancha, empezará a jugarse definitivamente LA COPA MUNDIAL ARGENTINA 2014.

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